I suck

Yes, I suck at blogging. Nothing is wrong - Peter came home and it's a bit of an adjustment changing schedules once you've gotten everything settled. Today, the whole schedule was f*ed. We went for a hike and she slept the whole time in the sling. I don't mind this and I didn't get too stressed about it. Hopefully we can get back on the schedule next week when Peter goes to England. The thing is, we never followed the schedule EXACTLY. We were always off by 30 minutes to 1 hour. The true joy though is that Emily goes to bed every night at 7. She sleeps all the way until we wake her up at 10:30-11. Depending on how well she feeds, she goes back to sleep until about 2-3:30. Once she even slept until 5 am. This week she has a bit of a sniffle so we're letting a few things slide.

I hate to say it, partly because I'm afraid I'll jinx it, but I think it's working... when and if I ever go to England, I will buy more of Gina Ford's books.

Day 3-4

Day 3
Morning nap from 9:00-9:45
Afternoon nap with 1-2 wake-ups from 12-2:30
Mid-afternoon nap from 4:15-5:00
Sleep from 7:30 on with 1-2 wakings
Woke her up at 10:45 pm and she ate while sleeping (could not get her awake no matter what I tried) and she woke up at 3:30 and 5:00 and 7:30

Day 4
Morning nap from 8:30-9:15
Afternoon nap from 12-2:30 with 1 waking
Mid-afternoon nap from 3:30-4:30 (she was really tired, so I let her sleep)
Now she's asleep with 2 wakings from 8:00 on

The wakings never lasted more than a few minutes and I just put her straight back to bed after soothing her to sleep. She's tired. So am I - hence why the crappy post.

Day 2-3

Day 2
I realized I wasn't very detailed about what happened on Day 2 but that was most likely due to losing steam once I got to that part. It's amazing how crappy my writing gets the later in the day it gets. Also, Peter is in Sweden, which makes me 100 times more tired because I have to clean up after myself. Being grown up sucks. Ok, so yesterday was very good. She slept from 8:30 to 9:30. That was a bit longer than it should have been considering the tight schedule Ford recommends, but again, I'm adapting the schedule and because I needed to take Julian to daycare, it worked out well for me. I can't deal with her screaming in the car so a nice peaceful baby made for a nice daycare drop off, which is sometimes a little stressful anyway. The afternoon nap was from 11:30 - 2. I actually had to wake her up at 2. The difficult part I always have is keeping her awake from 2 - 4:00 because she eats just fine but she won't stay still in her bouncer or on the boppy pillow so I have to carry her on the Bjorn, which puts her to sleep. So, it's basically 2 hours of Bjorn, set her down, wait until she wakes up enough to cry, pick her back up, put her in Bjorn, repeat. By the time it is 4, she is basically passed out. She slept from 4-4:45 and again I had to wake her. I picked Julian up from daycare even though she was awake the whole time (but not crying) and as soon as I got her home, we began our evening routine. It takes a good hour, hour and a half to get her down for her 7:30 sleep. But I lucked out again. She slept from 7:30 - 10:30, when I woke her to feed and then put her right back down. I know I should get too excited or arrogant, but holy crap, this actually works! Yes, it won't work all the time and there are days when it will be a total disaster, but the last few days have been great. Even something resembling structure and order has made my life so much better.

Day 3
Just a quick update. She slept from 8:45 - 9:30. It was a real struggle to get her to stay awake to 9 but she slept really well and I had to wake her up again. The lunch nap was more difficult. She managed to stay in her room and sleep for the most part, but after I put her down at 12, she woke up briefly and needed to be rocked back to sleep twice. She woke up on her own at 2:30. Now she's awake, bright eyed and fed. She's just sitting on her Boppy pillow for a little while. Maybe I'll take her to the store so she stays awake until 4:00. Or...maybe not. Today is a super lazy day for me.

The Sleep Experiment

When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I made several promises to myself. One, I would succeed at breastfeeding. Two, I would cherish every smile, burp and coo. Three, I would avoid all of the sleep disasters and bad habits we acquired in desperation when we had Julian. Julian was a really bad sleeper. From the beginning, it was constant crying and fussing. If we put him down, he would cry instantly. Getting him to sleep always involved complicated gymnastics, with patting, rocking, swinging, flipping - we were practically doing cartwheels with him to get him to sleep. We co-slept and gave him food to get him to sleep. We did all of the things the books say not to do. I realized how stupidly we approached sleep training when, at the age of 1.5, he slept through the night and stopped drinking milk. We were feeding him milk before he went to bed but when he started sleeping on his own, he refused to drink it, meaning he never needed it in the first place.

Emily is like a completely different species of baby. She is capable of falling asleep on her own. If she cries, she can calm herself down and go back to sleep (which I found out once when I was using the restroom and couldn't get to her right away). Once Julian started crying, he would escalate his crying until he got to the point where he was absolutely hysterical and took forever to calm back down. Seeing her sleeping habits, I wondered if we could at least implement some sort of sleep training early on. She would be more amenable to it than Julian would, certainly. She was also quite flexible and easy going so I thought I'd give it a shot. I have read two books now: the No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley, and The Contented Little Baby by Gina Ford.

Now, I'm not one for saying there is a 100% fail proof solution to sleep problems for all babies. I know that babies are very different (as apparent from watching Julian and Emily). I also think that a highly regimented approach simply won't work for us because we have very busy schedules and we travel all the time. I'm not following any one book to the letter, but adapting them to our lifestyle and Emily's own personality. For instance, I like the No Cry Sleep Solution's approach of not letting the baby scream and cry it out. I personally can't stand the crying thing even though that is eventually how we taught Julian to fall asleep on his own. I know it works but I just don't want to do that, especially now when Emily is only a few weeks old. However, I don't want to wait until she is three months old to start sleep training because I really believe that setting habits now is crucial. I like Gina Ford's schedules because I like to have a more regimented approach to sleep training. I know I should probably make a log of when she eats, how much, when she sleeps, etc (like the No Cry book recommends) but I'm too busy to sit and record those things. With the Contented Baby book, finally here was someone who would just say "Do this!" and supposedly it would work. Yes, a starting point. I take Ford's schedules and I sort of adapt them. For instance, I don't only feed when she says to, but also whenever Emily wants to. Sometimes when I sit down for a feed, she doesn't feed properly or doesn't eat enough, so keep at it until she's gotten enough. Plus I'm afraid of my supply dropping if I don't feed on demand. I'm also not so strict about the times, either. For example, this morning we all got up at 7:30 instead of 7. I just refuse to wake up at 6 if I don't have to or want to. If she wants to let me sleep a little bit longer in the morning, I have no problem with that, regardless if it offsets the rest of the schedule.

I also try to schedule outings around the time when she is supposed to have her short naps (9:00 and 4:00) because I know she will sleep in the car or the stroller. It's a good idea to combine the Contented Baby book with the No Cry book because one expects you to put your baby in bed while they are drowsy and not to assist them by patting or rocking, but doesn't give any advice on how to do that. The No Cry book has some great suggestions for that (which I use a lot). I can't say whether this will work perfectly in the long run, but really it's ok if she doesn't sleep all night long. I just need her on a schedule so I can better plan my day and do other things. So, here goes a log of our sleep experiment.

Day 1
Emily responded really well to the schedule. Perhaps she was already on a schedule which resembles the one Ford has, but she seemed to fall almost right into the time periods which were given. She napped from 12 -2:30 and from 3:30 - 4:15. The most difficult part of the day was between 5-7 when she seemed to hate the bath and wouldn't fall asleep right away. She almost always has bad evenings. Some nights she would cry and fuss from 6-10 pm. We couldn't figure what the problem was, but now I think she was really tired. Once I put her to bed at 7, she woke up once and needed a quick feed before falling asleep again at 7:30. Then she slept all the way to 10 pm. This was AWESOME. It was like a revelation. Duh, she wants to sleep so let her sleep. I actually had a real evening. I got Julian fed, bathed, and to bed without any problems. Then I surfed the net and watched tv until 10. I even had to wake her up at 10 to feed her. I just wanted to make sure she had a long stretch of sleep after I went to bed. She woke up at 2, 5, and 7:30. The night feedings were just fine - she ate and then quickly went back to sleep.

Day 2
So far, so good. She had the standard naps, and I even managed to put her in bed a few times while she was still pretty awake and she fell asleep on her own. I'm perfectly happy if she doesn't sleep all night, but as long as she keeps this schedule for a while, I will be a happy camper.

The Stash

I think the breastfeeding is going well now.

Breast is Best

It's only been 5 weeks since I gave birth but already this whole breastfeeding adventure has been a huge strain on my body and my spirit. I promised myself that this time, breastfeeding would go well. I'd be one of those women who could miraculously produce gallons of milk in a day with just the simple act of pumping, minus the flailing arms, hysterical cries and constant frustrated feeding sessions I had with Julian.

I had two major problems with my first go at breastfeeding. One, I never made enough milk to keep Julian satisfied. He was always in the 95th percentile in everything - weight, height, pain-in-the-butt factor. And no matter how many times I fed him, at one point just trudging all over the house in nothing but a nursing bra, it was never enough. I supplemented him the very first time with formula at about 8 days old. First it was a bottle a day, then 2 then I was lucky to get a ratio of 4:1, formula vs. breastmilk. When I went back to work, I could get about 8 oz with 2-3 pumping sessions per day. Then it went to 5, then 4, then 2. The only thing my body kept doing was making breastmilk at night so that he could sleep-nurse. However, sleep nursing was absolutely killing my sleep. I know it's supposed to be more relaxing and give both mom and baby a peaceful sleep, but my experience was that I would wake up every hour or so to nurse and he would just keep sucking for comfort for 20-30 minutes. In the end it made for hellish sleep.

The second major problem I had (related to the first, of course) is that I didn't really enjoy breastfeeding. Once you make the choice to breastfeed, you're conceding that you're going to be tied to this one person all day long, and if you have a huge baby who needs constant food, you're pretty much tied to them and nothing else. That leaves no time for eating, relaxing, going out, walking, napping, or any of the other things new moms need to do to stay sane. Plus I was going through some post partum blues and having to deal with the fact that my life was irreversibly changed. Given my lack of enthusiasm for it, it was more than easy to just say, ok, let's make a bottle. So I did. And my supply dropped, which was horribly depressing.

I was really down on myself about my first go at breastfeeding. I told myself that I should have tried harder and sacrificed a bit more (this from the mouth of a person who is perfectly comfortable in her role as a mom NOW and more than willing to sacrifice for her children). So I was determined to make my second try better. I nursed each and every time Emily wanted to. I read all the books. I got an electric pump. I bought all sorts of breastmilk storage containers and bottles. I even drank that foul Stilltee (breastmilk tea) they give you with each meal at the hospital. I was really happy with my progress and by the time I got home (7 days postpartum) I was making a lot of milk and Emily was really thriving.

Then about 2 weeks postpartum, my supply started dropping for no reason. I couldn't even squeeze out 1 oz from the pump after sitting at it for 40 minutes. I couldn't figure out why this was happening or what I had done wrong. I was getting decent sleep, I ate enough, and I was feeding her each time she was hungry (about every 2-3 hours). Then, the same day I started worrying about my supply, I was rushed to the hospital for massive hemorrhaging. It seemed that was the reason I was losing my milk (more on that later). After my surgery, they told me that it was possible I'd dry up because I lost so much blood and I was now severely anemic. I was so upset - to work so hard and lose my milk for something so totally out of my control. On some level, it should have been easier to accept if it wasn't my fault - and my mom did point out that after all, breastfeeding is hard and it's not such a bad thing if we had to switch to formula. After all, kids are sometimes raised on nothing but and they all grow up just fine. That night, Emily had her first bottle of formula.

I woke up that night completely engorged. I became suddenly elated because, huzzah, the surgery must have knocked something loose and my milk was back! I was so happy - now I could go back to only feeding breastmilk. Screw formula! We don't need no stinking formula! If that bottle was still there and if it wasn't made of glass, I would have thrown it across the room for emphasis. The next day, the lactation consultant stopped by and asked how it was going. I was so enthusiastic about the return of my milk (btw, this makes me think of this song). She smiled and then said "Yeah, you need to take some medicine to prevent further hemorrhaging. This will most likely dry up your milk."

It's a good thing there were no objects that I could throw nearby. I couldn't believe it. One thing after another - it was super depressing. First the anemia, then this medicine. I just couldn't win. It's not like breastfeeding is super easy anyway, but all these roadblocks being thrown my way made me feel like I was running the hurdles while people were shooting flaming arrows my way. Plus, I was being told repeatedly to REST but come on. Who can rest with a brand new baby?

So, now 3 weeks on and I'm still breastfeeding. In fact, I'm pumping as well. I won't say it's going perfectly. There are still days when I think I'm drying up again, but for now, it seems to be going ok. I just drink a lot of water, eat a lot (like I needed arm twisting for that), and make the whole thing a matter of pride, rather than an obligation. I can do this because I was told I couldn't. I will persevere because I am strong.

Being a mom is does that to you.

Easing into It

Hmm, I used to have this blog. It was a good blog but I realized at one point, I was no longer blogging for myself, but for other people. I was too concerned with making sure I didn't offend people I knew, or even people I didn't know, or how many comments I was getting - all of which had nothing to do with writing for myself. That was, after all, the reason I started blogging in the first place. But I do miss it. I'm just going to kind of ease into this blogging thing. I don't have a ton of time to do it. I have two kids now and barely any time.

I'm now 5 weeks post partum. I was actually going to start exercising the other day before I realized, yeah, I should probably wait. They say you should resume normal activities after 6 weeks, but I had massive hemorrhaging and surgery after 2 weeks, so I assume I need to wait another 2 weeks, no? Not that I'm itching to exercise - just would be a nice way to get some energy.